I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
True strength comes from lack of pants
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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