OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
