can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
