There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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