You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
