We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
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Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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