you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
