When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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