Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
