I will die if light touches me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
