There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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