just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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