I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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