You're my little dorito
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
