i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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