but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
