3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
