Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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