I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
