Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
