I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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