You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The feeling are messing with the penis
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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