We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
