so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
