I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
