actually, I'm a sock model
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I AM VODKA MAN
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
