I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
