Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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