He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
