im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
