woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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