Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
