I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
