Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
