I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
