My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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