So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
