I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
