Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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