After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
