I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My ass is underappreciated
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
