Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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