Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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