he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We are all done wearing pants today
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
