just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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