She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
