respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
