feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pooping to opera.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
