Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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