Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
