Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
