Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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