i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
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My balls are so social today.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing