respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.