Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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